Sunday, 25 September 2011

a strange day

When we plan, plot, support and hope for our children, whilst still at school intending to go on to university, it is a moment long into the future.

A rite of passage for them. For parents too.

Buying things together for their room in halls, Stationary. New duvet and cover. posters, prints. Books, More books.

Anticipation. Nerves. Tears.

Loading up the car. Will it all fit. Two trips perhaps?

Excitement. trepidation.

Today my daughter and first born, woke with mixed emotions. Today was the day.

I loaded the car. Packed to the rafters. My tummy flipped. Told myself to get a grip. Lit a fag. Rolled down the window. Choked back a tear. Turned of the radio. Silence. Just my exhaling.

I arrived at my destination. Unpacked the car. Parked up. Walked into the hall and began to set up my stall.

 Every moment that passed, every second, whilst I busied myself with my procrastinations; I was aware my daughter would shortly be arriving at University of Leeds Trinity and would be unpacking the car with her father, 89  miles away. I had planned and plotted for her, but I was not a party to her plans this past year.

Never take these moments for granted. They aren't a given. We have had many shared moments together. I should be grateful. I wanted to be there.

I spoke to her this evening and she seems happy enough. Homesick already, as the reality sinks in she won't be home  (hers not mine) again until December. Reality bites.

For me it bites hard. People ask me why I stayed so long. I say because I didn't want to miss a thing.

What next the graduation? Will I be asked? It's not a given. Time will tell.

This time next year it will be my son's turn to leave for Uni.

Take nothing for granted.

Sunday, 18 September 2011

A Brave New World

I believe I'm old enough to not give a damn what people say or think. I no longer have a husband to comment, diss or criticise me.

My daughter has left home and is miles away, she couldn't care less what her mum gets up to.

My son sneered at me and said, 'oh god no Mum you haven't.....!', when I told him what I had done. But that's fine... then he said, ' So this is a symbol of your new life, that you can do anything and you are staring over, an act of rebellion and courage, cos you can...!'and  we both laughed. I am always surprised at the depth of his quick thinking.

My fella just said 'OMG you've actually done it, send me a pic !'

My girlfriends are a mixed bag of,  'You go girl, it looks amazing, l've shown everyone in the pub!!'
to, ' OH Alice!' , the smell of disdain wafting down the phone and another pal  just hasn't responded! The  silence speaks volumes.

Admittedly, it rankles a little that my 17yr old son sneered and jeered a tad....but an hour later he asked if I wanted to watch a dvd with all is good there, (and of course he will want £££ for this and that, which is always a come back to Mum moment!)

But  the people I am most agitated about today, 24 hours later are my Mum and Dad!! They won't approve, I know. Just in the same way I didn't when my daughter had her first little one, then a humongous second one.....because I feel that they are a part of me still, an physical extension of my flesh and bone and I want them to retain that perfect purity I created and nurtured.

50 odd years later my folks may also feel this.... and so I  am still scared of my Mum and Dad and l can't bring myself to phone and tell them, cos I will hear that sigh of disappointment that I heard so many times in my teens and since, which I have often heard leaving my own mouth when my daughter and son expected anger from me, and instead a wave of nausea, fear, hurt washed over and left me clammy and bereft.

I thought well I don't need to tell them, they'd never know. But my life is no longer about secrets, feuds and discontentment.

Is it just me or do we all feel this way too.
                                                                        Once a child always a child eh?

hopeOh and yes you've probably guessed it. Yesterday I had a tattoo..

Alice x

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

D Day 2011

Today I become a single lady!

Yesterday I sold my wedding ring in an act of letting go. And then I went right out and bought myself a gold  ruby and diamond pinky ring to mark the official start of a new life.

Tonight there will be a celebration of friends, gratitude and a new journey. A beginning of something more...

And now I can now say 'out loud'  that I have been seeing someone for a few months. He is everything I have never known before. It is wonderful and scary at the same time.

I am trying to let myself enjoy the moments and dwell in possibility...

Alice x