inching closer

...and closer...this time next Wednesday I will be a single girl. Unmarried. Divorced.

When I received word that my divorce had been granted (on my terms) I was ecstatic, beside myself. It felt like a validation, someone believed me and agreed with my words and feelings.

And yet..the last couple of days have brought feelings of ambivalence and then some sadness, which is to be expected, but frankly I don't like it. It's too near the flat empty place I lived within for so long. I refuse to drown myself in such dampness and hopelessness.

After collecting my decree absolute, freshly stamped and with the ink of the Judge's signature still wet; I will be gathering with my friends. Those who helped me and encouraged me when I needed and when I didn't; those who sat quietly when I needed and who shouted at me when they believed I needed. Some of you are not able to be here in person, so I will raise my glass and think of you often.

I shall not dwell in sadness. I shall keep a torn corner of it and reflect upon it's making from time to time, with renewed perspective and lust for the adventures yet to happen...

I dwell in possibility....

anais nin

'What can l do with my happiness? How can I keep it, conceal it, bury it where l may never lose it? I want to kneel as it falls over me like rain, gather it up with lace and silk and press it over myself again.'


Anais Nin - Henry and June

it's time...

Until a few weeks ago, I would go into town expecting it... and it wouldn't happen.
Yesterday I didn't expect it, and it happened.

We've been separated and living apart for 18 months, the divorce will be final in just over three weeks. We had been living, apart, separate, for that times ten.

He moved away with our daughter and moved in with his lady 4 weeks ago. They are now thirty odd miles away in another town, I rarely go there. So I ventured out for the first time since my car was shunted and I left the hospital.

As I walked down the library steps, very erect and a tad gingerly to protect my neck and spine. My book treasures held firmly under my arm. I saw him walking towards the escaltor, laden with shopping bags, a petite woman chattering away to him a pace in front, as he stalled. His mouth dropped open and he stared. Our eyes locked and I found I smiled gently and mouthed 'Hi'. My feet kept walking me forward and past.

I kept going....a tingle of something, not quite tangible....between us. A lifetime perhaps.

I am no longer afraid. I am ready.

in wonder

I see
you watch me
and  I know your eyes follow me
as I move here and there

in wonder

you listen to me,
and not politely or just cos
you say you like listening
to what I have to say

in wonder

I watch you
unsure if you know I do
my eyes watch you
watching me

in wonder

we exchange stories,
loves and losses,
both searching and
scared and

in wonder

I listen to you breathe
and watch you sleep
your long black eyelashes
flutter over your
sad baby blues

in wonder

I hold my breath
'someone like you
and
someone like me'

I wonder...?

A pain in the neck!

These days I think it's always wise to expect the unexpected and sure thing Monday was one of those days.....

I got shunted and not in a good way, stationary waiting for a jcb to cross in front of my car at road works, the driver behind, just didnt notice or something and rearended me big time, and promptly drove off.

Forward to Tuesday and after police, statements and the locating by them of the aforementioned driver, I was beginning to feel the effects, my car needs some tlc, a new bumper and spoiler and I need tlc and a new spine. Well not quite I am exaggerating  a little.

I spent tuesday from 4pm, trussed up like a christmas turkey, flat on my back, neck in a brace and my head taped to the table in a large contraption. Took 6 people to roll me here there and everywhere. Xrays, bedpans, URGH!  AND no movement at all, fearful that the whip lash had cracked a vertebrae or worse.

My only view was of  the ceiling tiles for nearly 24 hours, and then the MRi . That was an experience, anyone I know who has had one, has said it claustrophobic and noisy at best. I found the clanging quite rhythmic and so I heard a melody in there and was only woken by my own snoring!  (btw I'm sure I don't snore)

The consultant released me from my prison bed after the MRi. The good news was nothing was cracked or broken. I apparently have severe arthritis in my neck now as well as my lower back, though neither gives me any jip really. The whiplash effect has displaced a disc and its pressing on a nerve that is now also dislodged, causing the numbness. With rest it may all return to normal, so a couple of weeks off. Hopefully this will do the trick otherwise I'm to go to a neurosurgeon in Newcastle..

So from my lovely bed, surrounded with books, pens, paper, music, gin - I kid you not my pal brought me a water bottle full of gin n tonic to the hospital. I KNOW who my friends are!

Having two men fuss after me last evening was quite splendid, not sure how long I can extend this treatment, but a girl has to try!

Paradoxical?

(.. oh don't you just love the way some words crash around your mouth and tongue?)

After visiting a blog quite late t'other night, and as so often happens the post and my initial knee jerk comment  stayed with me overnight. It got me thinking about how many well loved phrases, mottos and in my case mantras contradict each other.

'Hold on' - it does what it says on the label, say it, do it and it gets you where you thought you couldn't. I've held on many times, as the alternatives were not all that attractive. And indeed just two little words that are just, well massive! ' This too shall pass', is the conclusion, so hold on and it shall be so.

'Let it go' - is just as worthy, three little words that hold a punch in terms of.all the crap that pulses through our heads>  Leaving us analysing it to the enth degree; or some thing, some action that is like a maelstrom, threatening damage emotionally or mentally. So just jerk it to one side, shove it in a virtual box, padlock it or do as I do, photocopy it and burn it.

Freedom. Move on.

My two mantras that are most helpful and hopeful. Opposites at first glance, seemingly they  prescribe different medicines, but actually work very well together